Avec Amour.

Photo

Fri, 01 Apr 2011 23:22:53 -0400

Photo

Tue, 22 Mar 2011 23:54:11 -0400

Impossible.

Tue, 22 Mar 2011 23:14:00 -0400

I sit awake and I wonder if I am what is really on your mind. I question everything about you. I don’t trust a single word you speak nor do I believe your kisses. Yet, here I am… waiting for your call; dreaming of your touch. From the beginning you’ve had me it seems as if we fall into a pattern. We are inseparable; you push me away… when I am almost gone you reach your hand out to pick me up. I grab it. It all starts over again. My pain is what pushes you away. The more I ache the farther you go… I become happy and your right there next to me to make me feel the pain once more. Sometimes I wish I had the courage to let you go completely. I don’t. One day maybe I’ll be strong enough to just let you go. Until then no matter what it will be you and I. I wish one of us was strong enough to end this. </3

Pain.

Wed, 09 Mar 2011 01:00:00 -0500

Pain :acute mental or emotional distress or suffering

You know that your not needed
You can’t believe him when he says he loves you
You do the sweetest things to get ignored
Depression
Knowing you could do better but fearing the unknown to make that change
You hear his voicemail more than his voice
Feeling like a disposable bag
Aiming for perfection
Feeling “un-pretty”
He rather text her than call you

These are all example of pain. All examples I have lived. There is more than one definition of pain which is under the physical category but emotional most of the time is more of a long term effect. Emotional pain makes you want to do nothing but cry. Just curl up and cry for hours. Makes you weak; like there’s nothing you can do about it. Makes you lose your appetite. Only eats at you and makes you think everyone else is above you. This is one of the leading killers and most of the time it’s too late to catch it.

"Forgive many things in others; nothing in yourself."

Sat, 05 Mar 2011 13:38:00 -0500

“Forgive many things in others; nothing in yourself.”

- Ausonius

Trust.

Sat, 05 Mar 2011 13:33:00 -0500

For me this is something that is nearly impossible to find in anyone. I’m sure people feel the same way with me. Not being able to trust anyone only makes things worse. Only makes you dwell on everything and want to be left alone. It ruins relationships and friendships. Makes you second guess those who you love and in return love you. Then when you are proved wrong it kills. Lowers you as a person in your own eyes… not to mention angers the wrongfully accused. You allow everything to go to your head, to blame everything on yourself and live in fear of being lied to. It isn’t easy to cope with. Most days its hard to trust myself. I do not trust myself to not mess up another relationship or friendship or make someone angry. There are so many people i’m aching to trust but can not. Most of them have only hurt me once, others multiple times. I try to think of every way imaginable to work it out. In the end, it isn’t a matter of “working it out”, it is a matter of forgiveness. Something I don’t seem to have been blessed with. I wish that others forgive me but I honestly can’t seem to do the same. So everyday I waste time sitting around wondering what person is going to hurt me next when I know that anyone a part of my life would never hurt me, and if they did it wouldn’t be on purpose. It’s all in my head.

Failure.

Thu, 03 Mar 2011 13:22:00 -0500

FAILING: It happens. It hurts.

Positive: I get a second chance.

Obstacles.

Wed, 02 Mar 2011 16:37:00 -0500

There are obstacles in everyones way nearly everyday. For some it is simple to overcome; for others even the simplest obstacles seem impossible.

I look at these obstacles with fear. Every single one of them no matter how large or how small. I allow them to get the best of me. They win what seems to be, every time. They weaken me. Cause me to cry, shake and hide myself from the world. Being afraid makes it difficult to even make it through an entire day. Sometimes I feel as if it would be easier to just disappear. To leave to a place where I no longer will be bothered by these feelings. My one attempt to escape only made things worse. Only put more obstacles in my way. Only dragged me down lower. Made me more afraid. Scared of what others would now think and scared of where the incident happened which overall only made my avoidance worse. My room is my place of sanction. It was clearly not the answer. At the time I was so afraid of what I would have to overcome that it seemed like my only way out… not at all. All I can do is try to help myself. I’m the only one who may be able to fix this.